June 26th, 2013
I just got off the phone with my dad.
ME: “Hi, this is Ashley.”
DAD: “Hi, Snooks. How are you?”
ME: “Hi, Dad. I’d like you to call me by my name.”
DAD: “We’ve discussed this. We’ve agreed not to call you [birthname] and to call you Snooks instead.”
“And we don’t like the name Ashley. So we’ll be calling you Snooks.”
ME: “Well, we can continue our conversation when you’re ready to call me by my name.”
[I counted a one one-thousand in my head—just in case my dad had second thoughts.]
And then I put down the phone.
February 3rd, 2013
A couple of friends and I watched Groundhog Day last night, and we couldn’t resist sharing our pithy comments now and again. My pal Steve couldn’t get past how frumpy most of the cast looked and at one point he remarked:
STEVE: “Bill Murray was kind of a schlub in 1993.”
ME: “Eh, I’d have gone out with him”
At which point my friend Andrea chimed in with:
ANDREA: “Being funny helps.”
ME: “Yeah, it really does.”
Growing up, I had often heard my female friends remark that a guy’s personality can affect how attractive he is. And I couldn’t really relate to it at the time, but I totally get it now.
(I predominantly identify as a lesbian—hence @FourthAndFirst, which is named after the fourth and first letters in “LGBT”—but I sometimes find guys attractive too. It’s probably about a 70/30 thing for me.)
January 24th, 2013
Ashley visited her parents at the beginning of winter. Over her previous visit for Thanksgiving, she had heaps of support from visiting relatives, but this time Ashley had fewer allies — mostly just her brother, who gets her name and pronouns right all the time.
Her parents still use the wrong pronouns, and Ashley thought it might be because they didn’t know how much it hurts her. Wanting to remove any doubt, she braced for confrontation and told them how deeply hurt she feels when someone refers to her with male pronouns. She was shocked when her parents reacted with indifference.
In addition to the pronoun problem, Ashley’s parents have switched to using a childhood nickname for her instead of the name she chose. She was okay with that for a while, but she’s come to realize that her parents still use her birth name when she’s not around.
Ashley wonders whether writing a letter would work better than her attempt to ask them person, although a similar letter last spring didn’t seem to have much effect.
Ashley laments that L’Oreal’s Double Extend Mascara with Beauty Tubes tend to irritate her contact lenses, so she went to look for an alternative. She got a recommendation from her hair stylist for Smashbox’s Full Exposure Mascara, and discovered that it worked well for her without irritating her contacts in the same way that L’Oreal’s mascara did.
Ashley also offers a positive review for Urban Decay’s All Nighter Makeup Setting Spray, which you can spray onto your face after you apply your makeup — but before applying any mascara — to help your makeup last throughout the day. Ashley mentions that Urban Decay’s Makeup Setting Spray makes a difference on those days where her makeup really has to last.
(Ashley’s nail polish in this episode is Aruba Blue from Essie. We aren’t being paid to say this — just thought maybe you’d like to know.)
January 20th, 2013
Trigger Warning: Suicide
[What is a trigger warning?]
Over the last few months, I’ve had fleeting thoughts about suicide every two or three days. (I suspect a large part is from my parents’ lack of acceptance.) But each time such a thought enters my head, it may be around for no more than a second or two before I swat it away, not unlike a gnat in my mind.
I don’t mean to be flippant, but it’s almost as if one corner of my brain is saying, “Maybe all this would be easier if I was dead,” but with the rest of my brain soon chiming in with, “No, that would be a really bad idea.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, I’ve come to realize I have depression (which I recognize from having had in the past). I haven’t yet sought medication for that, but might that be something that could help dispel these thoughts?
(I took Lexapro the last time I had depression and it seemed to work okay, but if you have depression and if there’s a particular medication that’s worked well for you, I’d like to hear about it.)
Either way, I have a psychotherapist who I can talk to about this kind of thing, and I plan on setting up an appointment with them soon.
P.S. To reiterate, I have no plans on killing myself, and I want to be around for a long time. I just have these thoughts that keep creeping in my head about this.
Updated Jan. 21: I have an appointment on Thursday.
Updated Jan. 24: I had a really good conversation with my psychotherapist and I have another appointment with them on Thursday.
Updated Jan. 25: My doc has given me a prescription for lithium to start.
December 21st, 2012
Even though Ashley’s name change has gone through, she’s wasn’t sure whether it would make any difference when she visited her parents over Thanksgiving. It turns out, Ashley’s cousins, aunts, and uncles seem to have become all the more supportive, while her parents still lag behind.
Ashley goes over a conversation with her parents in which she tried to gently ask them again if they could please use her pronouns. She was expecting that it might be a five-minute conversation — mostly just putting out the request and then awaiting the invariable milquetoast response — but Ashley recalls that the conversation nosedived right from the start. Although Ashley had hoped to focus on her pronouns rather than her name (which seemed to be more of a sticking point), her parents soon derailed the discussion to harp on about her name.
Although Ashley’s parents have moved on to using a childhood nickname for her — well, most of the time — Ashley laments that this would-be interim name seems to have taken up permanent residence. Ashley and Jay ponder how she could try to convey to her parents how important it is to her that they use her name. They mull over a few ideas and Jay half-jokingly tosses out the idea that Ashley could have photocopies of her driver’s license at the ready to pass out to any doubting bystanders.
Ashley recalls her dad telling an anecdote about her college years and, after Ashley discovered that he was using the wrong pronouns, she chimed in with a brief correction, only to have her dad offer the rationalization, “but you were a ‘he’ at the time.” Realizing that the I Would Prefer These Pronouns When Referring to My Past discussion wasn’t something she could squeeze in as an aside over dinner with guests, Ashley contemplates whether she should send her parents an email to talk through some of that.
Back in our second episode, Ashley sung the praises of using primer as part of one’s makeup routine, including recommendations for L’Oreal Paris’ Magic Perfecting Base and Smashbox’ Photo Finish. After recently noticing a reformulation of L’Oreal’s primer, however, Ashley revisits whether it’s still a comparable product against Smashbox’ Photo Finish. Ashley also follows up on some earlier thoughts about cleaning one’s makeup brushes and she shares some tips to help prevent one’s brushes from losing their bristles.
(Ashley’s polish in this episode is German-icure from OPI. We aren’t being paid to say this — just thought maybe you’d like to know.)
September 14th, 2012
After having filed her paperwork and heaps of waiting — among other steps — Ashley’s court date for her name change finally arrived. Ashley goes over the happenings that day and how things played out, including her game plan for getting out of bed by 5:30 a.m.
Ashley and Jay chat about some of the documents Ashley has to get updated, some of which Ashley has already tackled, others of which she’s leaving until her gender marker has been updated too. Oh, yeah — in Texas, it’s a complete nuisance to get one’s gender marker changed, but Ashley is giving it a shot. Ashley has been in talks with a lawyer to help with that and she’s keeping her fingers crossed that their fees won’t cost her an arm and a leg.
Jay asks if Ashley had any celebrations to commemorate the event and Ashley mentions that she had invited over several of her closest friends the evening of the court date for some drinks and yummy cake. From there, Jay lobs a noshy pun that Ashley mistakes for everyday banter and that trails along for a moment or two, but they get things sorted out.
In lieu of eyeshadow primer, Ashley offers that you can use foundation in a pinch. She offers the caveat that it’s not nearly as good as actual eyeshadow primer, but that it’s still a step up from no eyeshadow primer at all. Ashley then talks with Jay about how you can use liquid eyeliner — in this case, an inexpensive liquid liner from Milani, a drugstore brand — to somewhat darken the shade of one’s lashes to create a stronger contrast around one’s eyes. And, hey, we didn’t talk about nail polish on the show, although who knows if the postscript below disqualifies that.
(Ashley’s polish in this episode is Make Waves from Piggy Polish. We aren’t being paid to say this — just thought maybe you’d like to know.)
June 22nd, 2012
Ashley has waited for months for her parents to start using the name Ashley instead of her birth name, but they won’t, so she tries to explain her request again in a carefully worded letter. Unfortunately, the letter doesn’t go over well and her parents tell Ashley that she’s hurting them by not considering their point of view.
Ashley’s parents are visiting in a few weeks and she’d love to try a new restaurant with them, but she worries that her parents would out her as soon as they started making small talk with the restaurant staff.
Despite this, Ashley has started the process of legally changing her name, and she tells Jay about all the paperwork, filing fees, and her eventual appearance before a judge, who could potentially decide not to grant her request.
Jay also learns how to get the most out of Too Faced Shadow Insurance eyeshadow primer and a tip on cleaning the lint from one’s dryer screen without scuffing one’s nails.
(Ashley’s polish in this episode is Aruba Blue from Essie. We aren’t being paid to say this — just thought maybe you’d like to know.)
April 1st, 2012
Ashley answers 7 Questions for the we happy trans project, such as who’s been most supportive of her transition, changes she’d like to see in the world, and how she’s helping to make those changes.
Jay asks how Ashley’s new coworkers are accepting of her gender identity, given that some knew her since before her transition while others have only ever known her as Ashley.
Ashley receives a postcard from her vacationing parents, but they addressed it to her birth name and Ashley can’t bring herself to read it. She wants to talk with them again about calling her Ashley, but worries that her parents could become fatigued on the subject if she were to bring it up too frequently. She and Jay also discuss the unusual evidence her mother cites to try to refute Ashley’s gender identity.
Jay learns that Too Faced Shadow Insurance (an eyeshadow primer) benefits from a little shakey-shake before use, as one would do with a squeeze bottle of ketchup (or with natural peanut butter if you’re fancy). Ashley also discerns that her technique for repainting some nails (but not others) with a zip-top bag requires a new baggie about every six months.
March 16th, 2012
Ashley is frustrated by her parents’ lack of acceptance, and suggests that instead of emphasizing her new happiness to them, she could instead explain how bad she’d feel if she had to return to her life before transition. And if they don’t come around and she tries to bring this up with them, should she try to broach this over the phone or might she have better luck with a letter in the mail?
Jay and Ashley chat about the group sessions organized by her gender therapist that she attends with several other trans women. It’s a cozy supportive environment where they talk about some of the progress the other women in the group have made with their transitions and various ups and downs.
Ashley talks about some of the trans community she’s come across online including the alternating-weeks #transchat and #queerchat each Sunday. Jay asks whether Ashley has come across much cyberbullying and Ashley talks about some of the microaggressions she’s come across in passing.
Ashley offers a follow-up on two makeup products discussed on earlier episodes. Oh, and they veer into talking about nail polish too. Yeah, like that ever happens.