Ashley has waited for months for her parents to start using the name Ashley instead of her birth name, but they won’t, so she tries to explain her request again in a carefully worded letter. Unfortunately, the letter doesn’t go over well and her parents tell Ashley that she’s hurting them by not considering their point of view.
Ashley’s parents are visiting in a few weeks and she’d love to try a new restaurant with them, but she worries that her parents would out her as soon as they started making small talk with the restaurant staff.
Despite this, Ashley has started the process of legally changing her name, and she tells Jay about all the paperwork, filing fees, and her eventual appearance before a judge, who could potentially decide not to grant her request.
Jay also learns how to get the most out of Too Faced Shadow Insurance eyeshadow primer and a tip on cleaning the lint from one’s dryer screen without scuffing one’s nails.
(Ashley’s polish in this episode is Aruba Blue from Essie. We aren’t being paid to say this — just thought maybe you’d like to know.)
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Ashley answers 7 Questions for the we happy trans project, such as who’s been most supportive of her transition, changes she’d like to see in the world, and how she’s helping to make those changes.
Jay asks how Ashley’s new coworkers are accepting of her gender identity, given that some knew her since before her transition while others have only ever known her as Ashley.
Ashley receives a postcard from her vacationing parents, but they addressed it to her birth name and Ashley can’t bring herself to read it. She wants to talk with them again about calling her Ashley, but worries that her parents could become fatigued on the subject if she were to bring it up too frequently. She and Jay also discuss the unusual evidence her mother cites to try to refute Ashley’s gender identity.
Jay learns that Too Faced Shadow Insurance (an eyeshadow primer) benefits from a little shakey-shake before use, as one would do with a squeeze bottle of ketchup (or with natural peanut butter if you’re fancy). Ashley also discerns that her technique for repainting some nails (but not others) with a zip-top bag requires a new baggie about every six months.
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Ashley’s father seems to view her gender therapist as a sort of puppet-master (puppet-mistress?) pulling Ashley’s strings, even though Ashley switched from individual counseling to group support. Ashley’s parents say that they accept what she’s doing, but they make a point of telling her they don’t condone it. Jay thinks it means they now understand it’s not a phase, but Ashley infers it’s more likely that they think she’s crossdressing.
Ashley wonders how to get through to her parents and is nearly ready to give up, especially after her dad says that he doesn’t entirely accept publications like the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) as truth. Ashley also continues to long for any recognition of her femininity from her mom.
Jay and Ashley discuss some fun things as well: her new pierced ears, the ideal diameter for hoop earrings (1.68 inches), using a flatiron, and matching polish precisely by bringing specific clothes to the store. Ashley finishes by describing some nail polish shortcuts and their inherent tradeoffs.
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Ashley visits with family and friends during the yuletide season and her parents obstinately use the wrong name and pronouns for her, creating confusion among some guests. For Ashley, it’s like insisting on using a woman’s married name even after she split with an abusive husband.
During her visit, Ashley’s dad conspicuously mentions that it’s okay if she doesn’t attend mass with the family on Christmas, which makes Ashley wonder if her dad is telegraphing some embarrassment to be seen with her at church. While making sandwiches, her mom lobs Ashley a verbal punch in the gut, seemingly unaware of the weight behind her words.
Ashley tries to remain optimistic her parents will eventually come around but it’s hard to imagine what will lead them toward full support. Ashley’s already feeling anxious about her parents’ upcoming visit in the fall. However, they are surprisingly understanding when Ashley talks to them about her recent layoff.
Jay learns that concealer can be a stand-in for eyeshadow primer in a pinch, and Ashley shows off a nail protein base coat by Nailtiques. Jay also learns what Ashley means when she describes herself as being “thirteen in girl years”.
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Over Thanksgiving, Ashley’s parents reveal that they still misunderstand her transgender status, claiming that she’s cross-dressing and that she’s making her coworkers uncomfortable. Her parents also wonder if Ashley’s gender therapist is putting ideas in her head, and worry that keeping and finding employment will get harder for Ashley.
Ashley attempts to talk with her dad about some recent MRI studies indicating that transgender status is likely rooted in biology—that transgender people are born that way—but the information is quickly swatted aside by her dad’s cognitive dissonance.
Ashley explains that her favorite top coat, Seche Vite, works best when immediately applied on top of the second coat (before the second coat even starts to dry) and she passes along a technique that you can use to selectively remove nail polish from only a few nails without affecting the rest of your manicure.
(Ashley’s polish in this episode is Wicked from Essie. We aren’t being paid to say this — just thought maybe you’d like to know.)
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Jay figures it’s time to ask Ashley about sex and romance as a trans woman, asking her about underwear preferences, whether she ever finds panties arousing, and the added complexities of a trans woman dating lesbians. For instance, would Ashley tell someone she’s dating about her trans status before they have sex?
Jay wonders whether testosterone blockers affect erections and if that has any negative effect on sexual intercourse. Ashley doesn’t rule out being attracted to trans women and cisgender women alike, and for the first time, starts seeing herself as a bisexual-leaning lesbian.
Jay asks Ashley how she approaches modesty regarding her breasts, such as while wearing her new swimsuit for the first time or in the changing room with friends, and whether she feels self-conscious around other areas of her body.
Ashley has some elevator chitchat with her manager but later realizes he may have been unaware of the subtext she was trying to convey. She also rethinks which clothes she might bring while visiting her family over Thanksgiving and describes her occasional but conspicuous chocolate cravings.
Ashley shows off her pearlescent white and pink nail polishes from Essie (Oui Madame and Pink Diamond) and asks Jay and the audience for ideas on how she can avoid banging her nails into objects.
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Ashley talks about her parents’ recent visit and how she asked them to consider calling her Ashley rather than her birth name.
She also recounts the reprimand she received from her employer for using the bathrooms matching her gender presentation rather than those of the gender she was assigned at birth. Ashley struggles to grasp her employer’s rationalizations, but she resigns herself to workdays blighted by elevator slogs to restrooms on different floors.
Jay follows up on his earlier suggestion that Ashley buy some “girly glasses” and asks whether HRT has tempted her to drink more so-called “girly drinks” (even though Jay admits there’s no logic to that question). Ashley announces her nail polish bottle count and suggests a way to trade some of her lesser-used polishes in exchange for others she might rather have.
Ashley talks about which polish she finally decided to wear during her parents’ visit, Nite Owl from Orly’s “Birds of a Feather” collection, a taupe with just enough shimmer to keep things interesting. Ashley also espouses the value of the common cotton swab and makes the case for Johnson’s brand over Q-tips for this tiny but essential makeup tool.
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